It's tough being beautiful, talented, rich, famous and successful

by Calgary Sun

There was a time Winona Ryder was so distraught at the prospect she checked herself into a psychiatric ward.

"I was 19 years old and I'd had a particularly rough year. I was really, really tired, but I couldn't sleep. I was convinced I was having a nervous breakdown, so I checked myself into a hospital," recalls Ryder, who had already made nine movies including Lucas and Heathers and had received a Golden Globe nomination for her portrayal of Cher's daughter in Mermaids.

Ryder had been experiencing anxiety attacks for several years, but was feeling particularly alienated and lonely because she'd just broken up with Johnny Depp.

"The public thinks actors aren't allowed to be depressed because we're sickeningly well-paid, get amazing perks and live charmed lives. What the public doesn't see is the ugly side of our lives and that's the stuff that breaks us down. I had broken up with my first real love and there were huge pressures from my career. I needed desperately to take stock of my life and for that I needed to sleep. I thought I could get that at a hospital."

Ryder lasted five days before she checked herself back into the rat race she'd fled.

"In the back of my mind I was hoping they could give me a pill that would take all the bad things away. When I realized I was the only person who could do that for me, I left."

Ryder learned a valuable lesson.

"Because life is weird and messy doesn't mean I have to be miserable. Knowing this has gotten me through a lot of demons and darkness that tried to enter my life."

Two years after her ordeal, Ryder's father, writer Michael Horowitz, gave her the galleys for a new book called Girl, Interrupted. It was Susan Kaysen's fractured recollections of the two years she spent in a mental institution being treated for schizophrenia.

Ryder was overwhelmed.

"Susan's book spoke to me on very personal level. She articulated feelings I hadn't been able to."

Ryder vowed she would one day play Kaysen in a film version of Girl, Interrupted.

It took five years before Ryder connected with producer Doug Wick, who owned the film rights to Girl and director James Mangold, who agreed to direct the movie.

"This is possibly the most personal film I've made because I have been so in love with the book since the day I read it," says Ryder, 28, referring to Girl, Interrupted, opening Friday.

"It was brutally honest without being self-indulgent."

Ryder says she hopes her honesty about her near-breakdown will help other young women to learn they can cope with loneliness and rejection.

"I hope I don't come off sounding like just another actor talking about rehab. I debated whether to talk about it. It happened to me and I'm not ashamed of it, so I felt I should talk about it. These personal things that are sent to try us make us better people and they certainly have helped to make me a better actress. I wouldn't take away any of my dark moments, but I am happy they're all in my past."

Ryder's last film was 1997's Alien Resurrection.

"I took two years off to concentrate on getting Girl, Interrupted made and I wanted to have a life beyond my career and to spend quality time with friends and family."

She was also determined to nurture her relationship with Matt Damon which began two years ago. Though she does not deny they are a couple, Ryder won't comment on the relationship, preferring instead to smile demurely whenever Damon's name comes up. It's her way of saying "no comment."

She does concede that she is "not ready to get married and have kids just yet. That is a huge step I'm not prepared to consider at the moment.“

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